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Jun. 26th, 2010

A weekend to myself

Well the wifes off to the SF Pride celebration. I had planned to go with him. That was before everything he wants fell neatly into his lap. That kind of hit me pretty hard, and made me realize that no matter how much compromise and negotiation we do in the end I don't have much of a say here.  I fell back on a defense mechanism I haven't used conciously in years I shut down emotionally, buried my emotions, it was something I felt I needed to do, I can dig them up later.  I should be in CA with my wife, I miss him. I just don't think that  the shit I have hidden away in my head, combined with my dislike of crowds, and Bay Area traffic would make a very good combination (powder kegs, and forest fires come to mind). Just a bit to much rage to deal with all at once.

Jun. 9th, 2010

More stuff on page.

I've been kind of down lately, I've been having doubts about whether I can really do this. Same answer, I don't know. I have some serious issues with that answer, one being, the whole not knowing part. Had a less than productive therapy appointment today, well I guess not totally, I always come away with something to think about. I have mostly been seeing her because I want to know if I can be happy with a man (once again I don't know). She had some good suggestions, well more reminders. She pointed out that my wife and I used to and still do alot of things that are very non male/female activities, things like exploring old ruins, random road trips, just enjoying hanging out together. She also suggested rather than look at how I can do this, I look at it as an "adventure" (she couldn't coome up with the right word), I thinking If I wanted this much adventure, This is bear country, gimme a knife and lets go. She also suggested that I keep a journal (check), that this would make some interesting reading (Can I just read about this, rather than live it?) That maybe I might discover that I'd like to write a book, given my current writing style I doubt that. I doubt that I'm best seller material here, Hel I don't know if anyone reads this, I know I don't once I get it out of my head.

May. 29th, 2010

Wow, I actually made it to a therappy appointment

I had a therapy appointment yesterday. She brought up some good points. On our current sex life she says I should take Tad at his word, he values the closeness as much as I do and obviously he hasn't lied to me, otherwise I would still be blissfully ignorant and not dealing with my wife being trans. So, essentially get over it, any problems I'm having with a lack of sex are pretty much my own fault.
   She also helped me realize something, my wife has benn coming out slowly, her closest friends, her parents, R. With the exception of R none of these people are my closest friends, they are a great support group for him, but, by not coming out to our wider circle of friends, he inadvertantly Isolated me fro my support groups, which could possibly breed some resentment on my part. I don't want to do this alone. I talked with Tad after my appointment. He came out to the kindred last night. I am seriously relieved, I can finally talk to someone about this with out it costing me 30 bucks a pop. I also think that my therapist would have been a better choice for Tad. Even when I'm not she still uses correct pronouns, or atleast self corrects and the correct name. She seems to get it a little better than my wifes ex-therapist.

May. 27th, 2010

Not dealing sounds fine to me

You know I'm really trying to deal with this and understand what's going on and what will be going on. Scouring the internet is really not a help. I've found lots of information about divorce rates, couple that with what my wifes therapist is saying, that my marriage may not succeed, and this shit sucks. I don't plan on leaving my wife and, I'm pretty sure he doesn't plan on leaving me but, you read all this information and you can't help but think wow this anniversary may be our last.  Then you find the flip side, the "successful relationships" and you get to read about how some 18 year old girl just  "Loves her tranny". I'm sorry, I sell auto parts for a living, a tranny make your car go backward and forward. I think right now I need to stop trying to do research for the time being and, try to find a different outlet for dealing with this. Possibly time to go fishing (just to clarify, for actual fish, I really don't feel up to maintaining another relationship.) or take up golf.

May. 23rd, 2010

Wrong answer

The wife and I went to go see his Dr. about some concerns, a lingering cold, hormones and his current lack of sex drive. While it was very affirming for my wife, I could have thought of better things I could have been doing. He had no solutions to my wifes lack of interest in sex, other than refering him to an endochrinologist. I would rather have some more immediate answers.  My wife seems to be doing good without hormones. Aside from the lack of interest in sex and oh yeah, he still wants to be a man. The GID is alot to accept I'm trying, honestly I don't know if I can but, I'm not willing to give up. Throw both these issues together and now I am starting to feel overwhelmed. It is possible to ask to much, I don't know where my actual limit is in this, but I feel I'm being pushed alittle too far, too fast.
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May. 17th, 2010

You can go away, you can leave here, you can be Invisible

R.I.P.  Ronnie James Dio

All of the above is not always the best answer

Okay, so one day I told my wife that I would rather he came out to me as asexual rather than trans. Now he's been off his hormones for quite some time, and honestly he seems to be doing great. The problem is he's still a he, and now he's asexual. I just have to say, pick one dammit I don't think I can handle both.

I can't believe the shit my brain comes up with sometimes.

This needs to be prefaced with these are just nagging thoughts and fears, not accusations. I can't help but question how long my wife has been out to himself. Was the decision to get a hystorectomy a way to get rid of his female bits ( yes I know at the time we decided to go ahead we thaought it was medically necessary). If my wife was out, at least to himself why not come to me sooner, he would probably be alot further along in his transition and I would probably not be feeling like I am being forced at gun point to accept all these things he wants to change. I still have trouble with pronouns, I still have trouble with the binding, although, that has more to do with the discomfort it causes my wife than it does the thought of losing those perfect breasts, although there is quite a bit of that.

May. 15th, 2010

Life goes on

Finally getting over this creeping crud that I've had for awhile now. Still a little bit down, I don't know why. Starting to get migraines again and I don't think I'm really stressed so don't know what the hel that's all about.


May. 8th, 2010

Putting things into words

I realized something last night or atleast verbalized it. I find my wife physically beautiful, and now he wants to change that. It's not like I don't expect appearances to change naturally. People age, my wife and I look different from the day we met, the day we got married, probably even last year. But that's gradual, it's what time does. I was looking forward to growing old with my wife. Transition on the other hand is going to take aways most of the things I find physically attractive in my wife. Although the core person is still there It's going to change the mental picture in my mind I have of what growing old is going to look like.


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